Wisconsin is a lovely state - green and hilly, with the occasional small cliff peeking through the foliage, rustic dairy farms with quaint red barns, and curving, twisting roads that wind through it all. I suspect it gets even more scenic as one goes farther north but alas, I was to remain in the southern portion of the state.

I made a quick run to the Wisconsin Dells, an area filled with tourist attractions, many ridiculous, a few sublime. One can visit the World's Largest Circus Museum, take a multitude of boat tours, visit Storybook Gardens, stand at an impossible angle in the Wonder Spot (there are a preponderance of these across the country), do some spiritual touristing at the Biblical Gardens, scream in terror at one of two different haunted houses, view cranes at the International Crane Foundation or see a foam house of the future at Xanadu. These are just a few of the more than 40 different tourist trap - er, I mean, attractions awaiting you. There are also loads of '50s era motels and motor courts worthy of note. In fact, this relatively small area boasts more than 5,000 rooms and over 4,000 campsites.

Unfortunately, I had little time to devote to the Dells so I had to choose carefully. I opted for the package of Tommy Bartlett's Robot World and Tommy Bartlett's Ski, Sky & Stage Show. When I was in Florida, I didn't dip far enough south to enjoy the ski shows at Cypress Gardens and I wasn't about to pass up this opportunity.

The first question you might ask is: Who the heck is Tommy Bartlett? That's an excellent question; I wish I could answer it. I haven't a clue who the guy is, beyond this quote from Tommy's entry in the souvenir booklet:

" When I created the Tommy Bartlett Show back in 1952, my goal was to present a water ski spectacular. I've realized that goal with the success of the Tommy Bartlett Ski, Sky, and Stage Show featuring the best and brightest stars, the most amazing routines, death-defying stunts and thrilling acts.

My career has spanned decades and furnished me with many golden opportunities. I hosted the number one rated CBS radio and television program Welcome Travelers, invented the radio call-in talk show, participated in the Calgary Stampede as Master of Ceremonies for over 25 years and hosted the medal awards ceremonies at the 1988 Winter Olympics."

Clearly, Tommy is not one to hide his light under a basket. In any case, the ski show (at a running time of over two hours, I couldn't wait around for the Sky and Stage portions of this would-be extravaganza) offered a few choice water stunts, much hoopla, a lame clown named Aqua, a host of cheezy costumes and a smarmy emcee spewing jokes of the lowest order. If they'd just offered the skiing with the occasional PA announcement to tell us what we'd seen, it would have been far more fun (they opened the show with a piped-in overture, for pete's sake!).

Next was Tommy Bartlett's (there that name again) Robot World, an imaginary trip on a robot-manned space station (at least I think that was the premise), followed by a collection of those hands-on science exhibits one finds at so many municipal museums nowadays. All in all, a pretty lame offering.

I went a little further south, to Baraboo, and made a quick run through the Circus World Museum. Baraboo was, in the old days, the winter home of the Ringling Brothers' Circus (and others) and this museum is a must-see for circus buffs. My favorite exhibit was, of course, the sideshow freaks - Jojo the Dog-faced Boy, the Bearded Lady, an eight-foot tall woman holding two-feet-tall General Tom Thumb in her outstretched palm - all recreated here in plaster for those of us who missed them the first time around in the flesh. The museum also has its own circus tent, with regularly scheduled circus performances. Definitely worth a visit. Baraboo also boasts a beautiful old movie house, built by Al Ringling in 1915, that is still in operation today.

I entered the Milwaukee city limits just before seven, not certain how I would spend my evening. I had hoped to see a Brewers game. As it turned out, they were in town for a lengthy home stand but had this particular night off. The old movie theatre here that serves as a revival house is closed on Mondays. I ended up enjoying a tasty-if-pricey meal of walleye pike at Jack Pandl's Whitefish Bay Inn and taking in a movie, a thriller called Whispers in the Dark. It's okay, I guess; I wouldn't stand in line for it if I were you. It does offer, though, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see the ever-sensitive Alan Alda playing a maniacal character who gets, in the end, a crowbar embedded in his forehead. That's something I never thought I'd live to see.

Continue on the American Odyssey.
Return to BRETTnews.
Email us at: mailroom@brettnews.com.