Aquarius-January 20 to February 19:
Your career has stalled and may soon take a nosedive. However, there's no need to panic: Your workplace fortunes will soon be on the rise again if you'll resolve to stop saying, "I'm down wit dat" to every suggestion a colleague offers. You just can't pull that one off, I'm sorry. Try "Hey, that sounds super!" instead.
Pisces-February 20 to March 20:
Deep down you know it's true that life gives us only what we're willing to settle for. It's time for you to begin to hold out for what you deserve. The next time someone asks, show a little backbone and reply, "No, Mr. Pibb is not okay; I asked for Dr. Pepper, dammit." You'll be surprised at the increase in respect you'll be shown.
Aries-March 21 to April 20:
The secret to fulfillment is to focus on, even to celebrate, what makes you unique. Very few people retain their invisible friends past the age of eight or nine, so the time has come for you to stop keeping Kenny secret and to share him with the world. Introduce him to your family, your friends, your coworkers. He's going to be a big hit, take it from me.
Taurus-April 21 to May 19:
Your social circle could do with some expansion, don't you think? The phone doesn't ring as often as it used to, and you have little new to say to those who do call, so it's time to stir things up. Here's what I do when I want to meet some new people: I go to my local mall and approach total strangers with a warm smile, a firm handshake, and an offer to come to their home and do their vacuuming. They don't always accept my generous offer, but at least it breaks the ice.
Gemini-May 20 to June 20:
Your pet has lost all respect for you and openly mocks your wardrobe when it's out among other dogs and cats. You can tell yourself it's just a phase that every pet goes through, but you're in denial, hon. That is one damaged relationship, and only months of extensive therapy can save it.
Cancer-June 21 to July 21:
Your future looks quite bright for the coming weeks. Your job, your health, your relationships -- your prospects in each of these areas look quite promising. Except you'll inexplicably and unavoidably develop the annoying habit of pronouncing the word "library" as "liberry," which will render all those positive developments less than satisfying.
Leo-July 22 to August 21:
We all did things as children that we come to regret as adults. The secret is to somehow forgive the children we were, to let go of the guilt. But that thing you said to your best friend when you were 12? Man, I don't know how you can live with yourself after that.
Virgo-August 22 to September 22:
The next two months hold the key to your future. If you work hard and manage to come up with even an above-average curveball, you could be starting for the Philadelphia Phillies before the end of next season.
Libra-September 23 to October 22:
It's a fine thing to be financially responsible. Truly, I applaud you. But it's the little indulgences that can make life seem sweeter without putting too much of a strain on your budget. So, enough with the store brand peanut butter; reward yourself a little: Get the Skippy.
Scorpio-October 23 to November 21:
Details are sketchy, I'm afraid, so I can't really explain why or when it's going to come about, but it appears that sometime during the next six weeks, you're going to be asked to do an appearance on The Montel Williams Show.
Sagittarius-November 22 to December 21:
Communication is the key to any good relationship, and if you fail to communicate your desires to your partner, you have only yourself to blame if they aren't fulfilled. All of which is to say, if you really want to be called Skeeter, you're going to have to be up front about it. Your sweetie's not a mind reader.
Capricorn-December 22 to January 19:
That effect that asparagus has on you? It's not that unusual -- lots of people experience it -- and, in any case, it doesn't make for that great a story. Your boss, for one, is sick to death of hearing about it.