Aquarius-January 20 to February 19:
You will soon encounter, at a flea market or garage sale, a painting, rich in blues, purples and lavenders, of a garden. In the lower lefthand corner of the piece, you'll see a signature reading "C. Monet." At fifteen bucks, you'll think you've found an absolute steal, an undiscovered masterpiece by one of the great Impressionists. Beware. That painting was done in 1952 by Chuck Monet, a plumber from Des Moines.
Pisces-February 20 to March 20:
Your life could a little organization and I have just the tool. I just discovered it myself and I think it's going to make all the difference. It's a machine. I don't know how it works but it answers your phone calls when you're not available and records any message the caller might leave. Isn't that something? Check the stores, if they haven't arrived in your area yet, I'm sure they soon will.
Aries-March 21 to April 20:
Your friends won't tell you but I will: people hate the way you say "Mmm...Nummy!" when you've tasted food you like. It's really annoying. Stop it.
Taurus-April 21 to May 19:
Take my advice and skip the new George Michael album. I had really high hopes for it but I'm sorely disappointed.
Gemini-May 20 to June 20:
I see travel in your immediate future but just as clearly I see that it would be a mistake to utilize the Magic Fingers action on your motel room bed. I have no specifics but it's clear it could lead to dismemberment or even death.
Cancer-June 21 to July 21:
An unexpected career opportunity arises when Hootie invites you to be a Blowfish. You will be tempted but should resist.
Leo-July 22 to August 21:
Feeling a bit draggy? Try a roll of Smarties for a quick pick-me-up. Man, they're tasty!
Virgo-August 22 to September 22:
You'll find something kinda hard and gristle-y in a hot dog at a cookout this summer. Keep it to yourself, however, and do not burden your host with your discovery. What do you expect him to do about it?
Libra-September 23 to October 22:
You'll be amazed at the exciting turns your life takes when you pattern your hairstyle after Farrah Fawcett's on Charlie's Angels. And this goes double for men.
Scorpio-October 23 to November 21:
Scorpios should be extra cautious in affairs of the heart in the coming weeks. Your moon is rising in Virgo or something like that. I always get that stuff mixed up.
Sagittarius-November 22 to December 21:
Discipline is one thing, regimen another. Loosen up a little, enjoy life. Though it's not easy to break old patterns, here's a way to get started: one day a week, leave your bed unmade. It'll be difficult at first but, believe me, you'll love the freer, more happy-go-lucky new you!
Capricorn-December 22 to January 19:
Looking ahead, I see that Sept., Oct. Nov. and Dec. are going to be horrendously difficult months for you. I'd get that holiday shopping done by the end of July, if I were you.
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