Aquarius-January 20 to February 19:
There's no reason you can't enjoy those fat-free chips made with Olean. Just substitute Kaopectate for sour cream in your favorite onion dip recipe. Problem solved!

Pisces-February 20 to March 20:
Do you ever watch an old movie that has a dog in it, like Toto in The Wizard of Oz, and then realize that there's no way that dog is still alive? Maybe some of the human actors, but that dog has been gone for years. I think about that sometimes.

Aries-March 21 to April 20:
When I was about 7, I came across a $5 bill in a parking lot. I looked around but didn't see anyone it might belong to. Still, I left it there because I knew it was not mine. A week later, I smashed my thumb in a car door; my nail was black and blue for weeks and eventually fell off. That taught me a lesson, one I hope that you'll learn from.

Taurus-April 21 to May 19:
The last week of each month, I want you to put your watch in a drawer and turn all your clocks toward the wall. If this makes you a bit less punctual, so be it. If your boss has a problem with this practice, have him or her give me a call.

Gemini-May 20 to June 20:
Here's a cure for those blues you've been experiencing: Start each day with a bowl of Lucky Charms and an hour with your buddies and mine, Regis and Kathy Lee. I do! You'll be amazed at the difference.

Cancer-June 21 to July 21:
You'll soon be summoned for the reading of the will of a recently deceased - and very wealthy - great aunt you never knew you had. Unfortunately, all she'll leave you will be her 10-year-old bed linens.

Leo-July 22 to August 21:
Your fear of hosting is normal, if a bit more acute than most. Just remember this tip: Nothing livens up a party like a pinata!

Virgo-August 22 to September 22:
For the next week or so, insist that everyone you meet call you Paco. It's just the kind of stirring of the pot we can all benefit from from time to time.

Libra-September 23 to October 22:
I'm not much of one for financial speculation - I feel it's inappropriate to profit unfairly from my seer's gifts - but I see a big revival coming for the Betamax. Buy all the old machines and tapes you can afford; you'll send your kids to a nice college this way, believe me.

Scorpio-October 23 to November 21:
It's remarkable the effect a good belly laugh can have on your outlook. So tonight, on the way home, stop by your video store and pick up all 7 Police Academy movies. I like to watch them in reverse order, just for a lark.

Sagittarius-November 22 to December 21:
You know that person you gave an extra key to your home - in case of emergency? Whenever you're away, that "friend" brings people you don't even know over, and they all mock your sense of color.

Capricorn-December 22 to January 19:
For years, I've been providing guidance and advice to you, Capricorn; now I need some straight talk: Do people think I'm stinky?

Email Criswell at: criswell@brettnews.com..

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