Aquarius-January 20 to February 19:
You'll find yourself, in the month of March, supressing certain urges, ashamed, afraid that someone might discover your secret yen. Nonsense. Have an Spanish Omelette every damn morning if you wish and do it proudly.
Pisces-February 20 to March 20:
On the 13rd of the month, you'll unknowingly spend several hours with your fly open, a foot-long piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe and a little piece of brocolli in your teeth. Of course, you'll have forgotten reading this by then and will be mortified when someone finally informs you. But remember, you were warned.
Aries-March 21 to April 20:
In the coming weeks, you will experience a sexual re-birth, a flowering, if you will. All that was will fall away and you will emerge an all-new creature. All at the hands of a stranger you will know only as Cap'n Spunky.
Taurus-April 21 to May 19:
Though you don't yet know it, you are in serious trouble at work. You could be let go at a moment's notice. Time for some serious kissing-up. Your boss is terribly fond of Clark bars, I'd bring him one everyday for the next six weeks.
Gemini-May 20 to June 20:
In the third week of the month, you will find you've lost your wallet. No need to panic, however, it will be returned to you with nearly all contents intact. The only items missing will be those "50 cents off a large box of Golden Grahams" coupons you've been hoarding.
Cancer-June 21 to July 21:
Your significant other is being less than honest with you and it concerns a bingo habit. Continue looking the other way at your own peril.
Leo-July 22 to August 21:
You're missing out on life's Whitest Whites and Brightest Colors. You and Lemon Fresh Color Bright Clorox 2 are a match made in heaven!
Virgo-August 22 to September 22:
When I was fifth grade, there was this kid who really got my goat. He was smarter than me, much better at sports, was better looking and much more popular with the girls. His name was Kenny. Kenny was a Virgo and, though I've never admitted to it before, deep down I still resent Virgos to this day. I'm working on this with my therapist but until I've some progress, I think I would be ill-advised to try providing astral guidance to any Virgos. You're on your own for a bit.
Libra-September 23 to October 22:
Oh, sure, Home Alone was a really funny movie and even Home Alone II had it's moments but, for heaven's sake, you're an adult and this obsession of yours for MacCauley Culkin must end. Take down the posters, stop wearing the Tshirts and buttons and get on with your life. He's growing up and so should you.
Scorpio-October 23 to November 21:
I am all for pursuing one's dreams and, in most cases, I'd agree that you're never too old to strike out in a new direction. But I fear that in your case, too much water has passed under the bridge. It may be time, I suspect, to abandon that dream of being a Rear Admiral in the Navy and settling upon a new goal.
Sagittarius-November 22 to December 21:
Money's tight and getting tighter. Panic won't solve anything. Better to remain calm and come up with a plan of attack. While you're far too busy to take on a second full-time job, there are certain money-making avenues open to you.Consider mowing lawns on the weekends or perhaps taking on a paper route. Or even selling Grit in your spare time.
Capricorn-December 22 to January 19:
Stop calling me. I mean it. Stop calling me or I'll go to the police. I'm not kidding.
Read next article.
Return to the Table of Contents.
Return to BRETTnews.