Aquarius-January 20 to February 19:
Be open to comments that help you learn about yourself. Let's face it, if you smell like two-week-old gefilte fish, it's better you should know, right? Could explain a lot about your dealings with others.
Pisces-February 20 to March 20:
You know that one outfit you have, that sorta mustard-colored jumpsuit? You look so hot in that.
Aries-March 21 to April 20:
Be prepared for the slow unfolding of a sensational mystery...this week on Murder, She Wrote. On CBS.
Taurus-April 21 to May 19:
Forgive your significant other's past mistakes. Let's face it, there are worse things to be called during love-making than Arturo.
Gemini-May 20 to June 20:
The time to seek financial aid is now. Just don't come to me, I'm strapped.
Cancer-June 21 to July 21:
You're living in a dream world and it's time you snapped out of it. Those people on the soaps? They're just actors playing characters. There is no Pine Valley and Erika could never love you. She's fictional, do you hear me? Fictional!
Leo-July 22 to August 21:
You can't expect to love others when you can't even love yourself and that includes taking good care of yourself, watching what you eat. I mean, sure, Steak-umms are tasty but seven days a week?
Virgo-August 22 to September 22:
We all panic at times, suffer bouts of insecurity. We imagine that we're all alone, that no one understands us or even cares to try. Sadly, however, in your case, all the above is true.
Libra-September 23 to October 22:
An unexpected windfall awaits you.Details are not clear but it seems to involve a life-time supply of Fresca.
Scorpio-October 23 to November 21:
Stop it! Stop it right now. Good heavens,you're embarrassing yourself and humiliating your mother and I.
Sagittarius-November 22 to December 21:
You've grown stale in your current occupation. A new career would give you a new outlook on life and, as it happens,you're in luck.My houseboy, Raoul, has suddenly been called away and I'm seeking a replacement. The job offers a decent salary and plenty of leftovers. To inquire, write in care of this publication.
Capricorn-December 22 to January 19:
Multi-sensory inner dimensional
interactive experience performed
in shamanic tradition.
Call Brent at: (212) 227-2748
Email Criswell at firstname.lastname@example.org..
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