Aquarius-January 20 to February 19:
Spend February trying to remember the names of everyone in your first grade class. It's just the sort of tough but do-able mental challenge you require right now.
Pisces-February 20 to March 20:
Like most Pisces, you are a smug, self-righteous oaf and I'm sorry, but I'm just not inclined to provide you any guidance right now. Maybe next month.
Aries-March 21 to April 20:
Approach the future with a happy smile if you can. But don't come whining to me when the future slaps you down. Hey, it's rough all over.
Taurus-April 21 to May 19:
Find serenity in ordinary tasks...scrub the floors, wash the windows, give the hamster a tongue bath.
Gemini-May 20 to June 20:
Be prepared, this is going to be the worst Valentine's Day ever. It may be as trivial a thing as rancid chocolates or as major as that special somone coming to, as if out of a dream, and declaring an undying devotion to Ron Popeil but believe me, it ain't gonna be roses and romance.
Cancer-June 21 to July 21:
The 12th of the month is a day for special purchases, for that one-time splurge that tells the world,"Hey, I'm pretty special and, for once, I'm going to take care of me!". And, just in case you're interested, I have several boxes of romance novels up in the attic that I'm looking to unload real cheap.
Leo-July 22 to August 21:
I spoke to Larry, he sends his best.
Virgo-August 22 to September 22:
You could use a lift and I've got just the ticket: a brand new pair of houseslippers. You know, K-Mart's having a sale...
Libra-September 23 to October 22:
Never hurts to save a little but, think about it, gum's just not that expensive. Time to start buying your own and leaving those discards under the theatre seats and restaurant tables.
Scorpio-October 23 to November 21:
You are due to receive a big, fat raise. This is it, the answer to your prayers. I mean, you are going to be rich beyond...wait a second. Oops, my mistake, that wasn't you. Boy, is my face red!
Sagittarius-November 22 to December 21:
Best to stay out of temptation's way if you're dieting and out of a runaway semi's way if you're hitchhiking.
Capricorn-December 22 to January 19:
Meet Truly Beautiful Russian Women by mail.
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